Coffee Shop Event Horizon Online

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“Many years ago, this was a thriving, happy planet – people, cities, shops, a normal world. Except that on the high streets of these cities there were slightly more shoe shops than one might have thought necessary. And slowly, insidiously, the numbers of these shoe shops were increasing. It’s a well known economic phenomenon but tragic to see it in operation, for the more shoe shops there were, the more shoes they had to make and the worse and more unwearable they became. And the worse they were to wear, the more people had to buy to keep themselves shod, and the more the shops proliferated until the whole economy of the place passed what I believe is the termed the Shoe Event Horizon, and it became no longer economically possible to build anything other than shoe shops. Result – collapse, ruin and famine. Most of the population died out. Those few who had the right kind of genetic instability mutated into birds – you’ve seen one of them – who cursed their feet, cursed the ground, and vowed that none should walk on it again. Unhappy lot.” Douglas Adams, 'The Restaurant at the End of the Universe'

You decide that stressed-out city folk need a way of letting off steam along with their coffee. What could be better than coffee, and live-action roleplay? So you decide to open a medieval-battle themed coffee shop, where patrons can duke it out in full plate armour using a variety of melee weapons after they've finished sipping their lattes. You'll be a millionaire before Christmas. [[What could possibly go wrong?|friends]] (Set: $BBSeen to true) (Set: $entrepreneur to $entrepreneur+1)

You suddenly realise that serving coffee to children is not actually illegal...and no-one else is doing it, for some reason. You'll be able to double your profits, with the latte-sipping city mums ordering an extra cup for their kids - and they'll get through their homework in half the time! Winner! You'll be a millionaire before Easter! [[What could possibly go wrong?|friends]] (Set: $KBSeen to true) (Set: $entrepreneur to $entrepreneur+1)

Everyone likes hot coffee...along with hot baristas, right? You plan to employ teams of good-looking guys and girls, and dress them in skimpy outfits to give your customers some eye-candy along with their macchiatos. Of course, it will all be very tasteful. Like a caffeinated Shanghainese version of Hooters! All that bare flesh and hot liquid! You'll be a millionaire before Chinese New Year. [[What could possibly go wrong?|friends]] (Set: $HBSeen to true) (Set: $entrepreneur to $entrepreneur+1)

You are Voldemort Wang, the son of wealthy Shanghainese real estate developers. Your life is an endless blur of champagne cocktails on the Bund, first class travel to five star hotels, and shopping for designer goods. However, you can't help but feel that in your life, something seems to be [[missing.|playMusic]]

Strangely, your parents fail to share your enthusiasm for the venture, and refuse to stump up the two million or so RMB you calculate will be required to get the business off the ground. No matter! You've always managed to get by with a little help from your friends: [[Shrieker]] [[Brick]] [[Morbid Sue]] [[Alice Junk]] (Set: $location to "nowhere")

Shrieker has been a good friend since school. He is tall, angular, and incredibly nervous. At school, your group of friends enjoyed making him shriek by terrorising him in various ways - plastic spiders, air-horns, or just leaping unexpectedly from doorways. He's from a wealthy family, and he might be able to help you find a good [[location.|location1]] Otherwise, you could always [[ask someone else.|friends]]

Morbid Sue is fairly average in most respects, except that she is obsessed with gothic rock. When she isn't listening to obscure bands with dark, biblical-sounding names, she enjoys sitting in a pentacle drawn on the floor of her apartment overlooking Century Park, casting spells. Still, she comes from a good family and she's been a friend since high school, so she might be able to help find a good [[location.|location3]] Otherwise, you could always [[ask someone else.|friends]]

Alice Junk, like yourself, is a child from a wealthy background. She is fairly unremarkable in most aspects, except for her one quirk, which is that she is an obsessive hoarder of free and disposable items. Her flat is a cornucopia of sporks, ketchup sachets, carrier bags, napkins, brochures and other items too numerous to mention. Still, she might be able to help you find a good [[location.|location4]] Otherwise, you could always [[ask someone else.|friends]]

(if: $book >0)[You return Shrieker his copy of //The Arsonist// by Pablo Coolio. ]Shrieker's parents own an empty shop next door to the number five hospital. It's just a nondescript redbrick building - not the kind of place you imagined, but there's plenty of space, and a lot of foot traffic too. If you're happy with the location, you could start recruiting some (link: "staff.")[(set: $location to "empty shop near the hospital")(go-to: "staff.")] Otherwise, you could always ask another of your [[friends.|friends]]

(if: $classical > 0)[You promise Brick to never, ever take him to another classical concert again. ]Brick owns a warehouse near Hongqiao railway station, which his parents bought him as an investment on his eighteenth birthday. The place is enormous, and it's near enough to the transport hub. But - it's a warehouse. If you're happy with the location, you'd better go about hiring some (link: "staff.")[(set: $location to "warehouse near Hongqiao station")(go-to: "staff.")] Otherwise, you could always ask another of your [[friends.|friends]]

(if: $party >0)[Sue is rather excited, as she claims to have successfully cast a spell on Arlon Musty at the yacht party. ]She shows you some pictures of an abandoned church out in Baoshan. Her parents bought it for redevelopment, but they're happy to let her use it for whatever she wants. The interior, with its stone carvings and stained-glass windows, looks amazing, but it's a little far from the city centre. If you're happy with the location, you'd better go about hiring some (link: "staff.")[(set: $location to "abandoned church")(go-to: "staff.")] Otherwise, you could always ask another of your [[friends.|friends]]

(if: $restaurant > 1)[Alice smells slightly of fish today, but that's OK, because so do you. ]Alice's great-uncle Zhou left her an antique shop in Huangpu. She hasn't got around to opening the place for business yet, but it's full of interesting bric-a-brac which could lend the place an air of shabby chic. But you'd have to clear a lot of the old furniture out. If you're happy with the location, you'd better go about hiring some (link: "staff.")[(set: $location to "antique shop")(go-to: "staff.")] Otherwise, you could always ask another of your [[friends.|friends]]

(Set: $entrepreneur to $entrepreneur+1) You set up the cafe in the $location - the decorators are finished in double-quick time, and the coffee machines - which are Italian - arrive via Guangzhou in a few days. At least, you //think// the coffee machines are Italian - that's what the saleperson said. (click: ?page) [(transition: "dissolve") [A stream of potential baristas passes through the office you have hastily set up in the back room of your coffee shop, but for some reason none of them is prepared to accept the 23RMB per hour, plus 0.001% equity that you are offering. You guess they just can't understand how you are going to be the next Starbucks, and that the share in the business you are offering will be worth millions next year. ]] (click: ?page) [(transition: "dissolve") [Anyway, you decide to recruit the only people you can trust as the staff for your coffee shop - Shrieker, Brick, Morbid Sue, and Alice Junk. This idea is doubly brilliant, as you won't have to pay them anything.]] (click: ?page) [(transition: "dissolve") [Now, what was the name of that coffee shop of yours again? (click: ?page) [(if: $BBSeen is true)[[[Battle Beanz|BBOpen]]](else:)[[[Battle Beanz|BBDescribe]]] (if: $KBSeen is true)[[[Kidz Beanz|KBOpen]]](else:)[[[KidzBeanz|KBDescribe]]] (if: $HBSeen is true)[[[Hot Beanz|HBOpen]]](else:)[[[HotBeanz|HBDescribe]]] ]]]

(set: $coffeeName to "Battle Beanz") This day will go down in coffee history! Battle Beans is finally open! Sunlight glints off the claymores, battleaxes, and other ancient weaponry tastefully arranged beside the comfy sofas. A bell tinkles, and in comes your first [[customer.|battle]]

(set: $coffeeName to "Kidz Beanz") A bell tinkles, and in comes your first [[customer.|kidz]]

(set: $coffeeName to "Hot Beanz") A bell tinkles, and in comes your first [[customer.|hot]]

You could always try again, with a different [[idea.|restartLink]] Failing that, you could just [[give up.]]

The five of you sit amongst the shattered detritus of your business dreams. Just as you are about to call it a day, the door tinkles open, and in comes another customer - a confident-looking, fashionably dressed young woman in her thirties. She surveys the scene, her eyes widening - in horror, you assume. Miraculously, after taking a few snaps for her Wechat moments, she walks up to the counter, and asks: 'Can I have a latte, please?' Sue, who is standing behind the counter, hands on hips, regards her for a few seconds before gesturing to the broken crockery on the floor and replying, sarcastically - [['Did you bring a cup, then?']]

Somehow, after the previous disaster, you still manage to persuade your friends that it would be a good idea to [[try again.]]

It's mid-morning, and a handful of customers are sitting around sipping coffee. However, they don't seem that interested in the medieval battle theme. A couple of office workers have donned armour and are prodding each other with pikes, and giggling. A bank-clerk type is gingerly hefting a longsword and trying to get his buddy to try out a battleaxe. You decide to get the staff involved to [[liven things up.]]

About twenty minutes into your first morning, everything seems to be going well. The parents - mostly young mums - are sitting happily, glued to their phones while their offspring chug flat whites from sippy cups. However, suddenly, the effect of the caffeine takes hold on the youngsters' already hyperactive brains, and [[all hell breaks loose.]]

About half an hour into the first morning, several customers are sitting around drinking. You're serving the coffee while your staff - Shrieker, Dave, Sue and Alice - get changed into their sexy uniforms in the staffroom. Finally, the staffroom door creaks open. You can't wait - you've trained your staff to give the customers [[a welcome they will never forget.]]

You decide that Brick would be the best person for the job. He dons a helmet and armour in the staffroom. You have a selected a spiked mace for him to use as a weapon. Somehow, the medieval weaponry confuses him. It is as if he has been somehow transported into one of his video games, and despite his usually docile personality, he charges onto the battle arena brandishing his weapon with [[a blood-curdling cry.]]

Terrified at the sight of the enormous armoured knight bearing down on them, and having no real idea of what is going on, the customers scramble for safety, some out of the door and others cowering behind the counter. Brick brings his mace down towards the head of the bank clerk, who just about manages to save his own life by clumsily blocking the blow an inch from his head with the longsword. (click: ?page) [(transition: "dissolve") ['Stop Brick! It isn't real! Don't kill the customers! We're not insured yet!' you cry, but he cannot hear you through the metal helmet. ]] (click: ?page) [(transition: "dissolve") [Brick pulls back his arm to take another swipe at the bank clerk, but the head of the mace (which you bought on Taobao) flies off and into one of the coffee machines, which sends out a cloud of scalding steam just over the head of the two terrified office girls who are trembling behind the counter. ]] (click: ?page) [(transition: "dissolve") [The remaining customers run out of the door, upending the crockery cupboard on their way and smashing dozens of branded cups and saucers onto the floor. It looks like Battle Beanz has been a dreadful [[failure.|failure]] ]]

A boy of around six or seven decides that it would be fun to make himself dizzy by spinning around and around as fast as he can. Several others join in, and soon the place is whirling with uncontrollable miniature caffeinated dervishes, with the mums scrambling desperately to protect them from the cups of hot liquid which lurk on the tables like unexploded bombs. You had better send one of your staff out to deal with the gyrating infants. [[Shrieker|ShriekerKB]] (if: $TriedBrickKB is not true)[[[Brick|BrickKB]]] (if: $TriedSueKB is not true)[[[Sue|SueKB]]] (if: $TriedSueKB is not true)[[[Alice|AliceKB]]]

Shrieker comes out first. The guys'uniforms are white bibs with black bow ties, and tight black silk shorts. Shrieker edges nervously out of the door, stick thin, visibly trembling, and shielding his chest and crotch with plastic coffee trays. Alice joins him. She has tucked dozens of paper napkins, and an array of plastic cutlery into the waistband of her short black skirt. Sue follows her out. She has chosen to add leather motorcycle gauntlets, black, steel-toecapped boots, and a studded leather belt to her Hot Beanz uniform. The steamy atmosphere of the shop has caused her thick gothic makeup to stream down her face, and she appears more like a post-apocalyptic death clown than the hot barista you were hoping for. Finally, Dave completes the quartet, blundering into the door frame on his way out. [['The song! The song!']] you mutter, under your breath.

Amazingly, the woman takes a metal flask out of her bag and hands it to Sue. Sue fills it with coffee from the remaining unexploded machine, and the woman sits on an unbroken chair and proceeds to sip coffee while taking pictures and frenetically typing on her phone. Having finished her coffee, she comes up to you, and [[says:]]

Brick was named due to his possessing the size and sturdiness of a medium-sized wall, together with similar levels of intelligence and co-ordination. Despite his size he is kind and docile, and spends most of his time playing video games. He comes from a good family, and might be able to help you with finding a [[location.|location2]] Otherwise, you could always [[ask someone else.|friends]]

(Set: $entrepreneur to 10) "I'm a reviewer for the listings magazine, Shanghai-ite. I love the vibe of this place! It's just so different to anywhere else! Post-apocalyptic chic, right? And the way you've trained your baristas to be humourously sarcastic! It's so original!" Soon, your coffee shop is buzzing with activity, and it seems that somehow, due to your incredible business acumen, you have snatched [[success]] from the jaws of failure!

Now, what was the name of that coffee shop of yours again? (if: $BBSeen is true)[[[Battle Beanz|BBOpen]]](else:)[[[Battle Beanz|BBDescribe]]] (if: $KBSeen is true)[[[Kidz Beanz|KBOpen]]](else:)[[[KidzBeanz|KBDescribe]]] (if: $HBSeen is true)[[[Hot Beanz|HBOpen]]](else:)[[[HotBeanz|HBDescribe]]]

'Hot Beanz, Hot Beanz, we're your Hot Beanz! We got coffeez, we got caffeenz!' your staff variously mumble, bellow, and drone. The customers stare at them, confused and embarassed, but unable to look away. It's like a terrifying piece of performance art - not what you were hoping for. [['The dance! The dance!']] you hiss, desperately.

The team begin their dance with high kicks. Sue catches one of the tables with her steel-toecapped boot, flipping the tabletop right into the face of a startled customer and flinging hot coffee into his lap. He runs out of the door, screaming. The next dance move involves the team jumping into a position of legs apart, arms akimbo. However, Dave's enormous right elbow smashes into Shrieker, who flies into a wall, simultaneously releasing the two coffee trays which he was somehow still carrying. (click: ?page) [(transition: "dissolve") [The trays spin through the air like giant plastic shuriken, striking a pair of customers right between the eyes and knocking them out. Finally, the remaining trio of staff begin to twerk, but Brick's shorts are far too tight, and his gargantuan buttocks rip them right down the backside. ]] (click: ?page) [(transition: "dissolve") [In his haste to cover himself up, his caber-like left arm crashes into one of the coffee machines, which explodes in a cloud of steam. The terrified customers - at least, the ones who are still conscious - run for the door, overturning tables and chairs in their wake. One of them staggers into the crockery cupboard, which overturns, smashing all your branded Hot Beanz cups and saucers on the floor.] ] (click: ?page) [(transition: "dissolve") [It seems that Hot Beanz has been an abject [[failure.|failure]]]]

Stressed-out city folk need a way of letting off steam along with their coffee. What could be better than coffee, and live-action roleplay? So you decide to open a medieval-battle themed coffee shop, where patrons can duke it out in full plate armour using a variety of melee weapons after they've finished sipping their lattes. It's time to [[open up the shop!|BBOpen]] (Set: $BBSeen to true)

Serving coffee to children is not actually illegal...and no-one else is doing it, for some reason. You'll be able to double your profits, with the latte-sipping city mums ordering an extra cup for their kids - and they'll get through their homework in half the time! Winner! It's time to [[open up the shop!|KBOpen]] (Set: $KBSeen to true)

Everyone likes hot coffee...along with hot baristas, right? You plan to employ teams of good-looking guys and girls, and dress them in skimpy outfits to give your customers some eye-candy along with their macchiatos. Of course, it will all be very tasteful. Like a caffeinated Shanghainese version of Hooters! It's time to [[open up the shop!|HBOpen]] (Set: $HBSeen to true)

A group of pre-school aged girls, somehow sensing Shrieker's general nervousness, has decided that it would be fun to attack him with a range of plastic cutlery. Attempting to retreat to a place of safety behind the counter, Shrieker backs into one of the dervishes. This sets off a chain reaction, with one spinning child bouncing off another and upsetting cups, chairs and even smashing into the crockery cupboard, which heaves forward onto the floor, reducing the remaining branded cups and saucers to a mound of debris. Shrieker, seeing the damage he has caused, shrieks, and, still off balance, trips backwards into one of the coffee machines, which explodes in a cloud of scalding steam that passes, thankfully, just over Shreiker's head. The parents grab their children and run out of the door. It seems that Kidz Beanz has been an abject [[failure.|failure]]

Brick lumbers out from behind the counter. His sheer size causes the children to pause and gaze at him for a moment. However, Brick hesitates, having little idea of how to tame the overexcited children, and they instantly lose interest and begin spinning again, ignoring Brick's cries. You had probably better [[ask someone else|all hell breaks loose.]] (Set: $TriedBrickKB to true)

Sue glides out from behind the counter. Her unusual clothes, hair and makeup cause the children to pause and stare for a moment, and a couple of the smaller children begin to cry. However, the others rapidly lose interest, and resume their whirling. You had probably better [[ask someone else|all hell breaks loose.]] (Set: $TriedSueKB to true)

Alice shuffles out from behind the counter. The pockets of her apron are bulging with various plastic toys, lollipops and other items. She goes around the cafe, enticing the spinning children with the goodies. They are sufficiently interested to abandon their wild dance, and you manage to get safely through the entire morning. However, by mid-afternoon, you have run out gifts for the children. For some reason, the afternoon kids all begin spinning again. You had probably better [[ask someone else|all hell breaks loose.]] (Set: $TriedAliceKB to true)

(set: $coffeeName to "None")(Set: $ennui to 6)(Set: $entrepreneur to 1)(set: $lastVisited to "Voldemort Wang")(set: $entertainmentChoices to (a: "Drive your car", "Party!", "Go for a walk in the park", "Attend a lecture", "Go to a classical concert", "Go to a restaurant", "Check your phone", "Go shopping", "Read a book"))(set: $car to 0)(set: $party to 0)(set: $park to 0)(set: $lecture to 0)(set: $classical to 0)(set: $restaurant to 0)(set: $phone to 0)(set: $shopping to 0)(set: $book to 0)(set: $inspirationCoffee to(a: "A mellow, bittersweet aroma drifts in on the breeze. You aren't sure what it is, or where it came from.", "From somewhere - perhaps the flat below - you hear the clink of crockery.", "You hear the whirr of a machine - perhaps a blender of some sort - in a neighbour's flat. It breaks the silence and then fades away.", "You hear what sounds like a sharp hiss of steam, from somewhere nearby in the apartment block.", "You can hear some light jazz music through the apartment walls.", "You feel a little tired - you wonder about getting a coffee?", "As you are gazing out of the window, you spot someone in the street below walking towards the apartment block, carrying two tall cardboard takeout cups."))

(set: $randDescFlat to (shuffled: ...$inspirationCoffee)) You are in your flat. (if: $ennui <10)[(print: $randDescFlat's 1st)<br>Perhaps you had better go and do something to get some inspiration? (set: $entertainmentChoices to (shuffled: ...$entertainmentChoices)) (set: $c1 to $entertainmentChoices's 1st)(set: $c2 to $entertainmentChoices's 2nd)(set: $c3 to $entertainmentChoices's 3rd)(set: $c4 to $entertainmentChoices's 4th)(set: $c5 to $entertainmentChoices's 5th) <br> (link-goto: $c1, $c1) (link-goto: $c2, $c2) (link-goto: $c3, $c3) (link-goto: $c4, $c4) (link-goto: $c5, $c5) ](else:)[Your ennui has reached [[critical levels!|EnnuiEnd]]]

(if: $car is 0)[ You drive your pink Maserati aimlessly round and round the French concession, while blaring out the latest hits from Drake. No-one even glances at your car, and your feeling of general boredom with life only increases.(Set: $ennui to $ennui+1)] (elseif: $car is 1)[You decide to take your Hummer for a spin round town. You cruise past a coffee shop, and decide that a macchiatto is just what you need, but your car is at least double the size of the largest available parking space. You stop in the middle of Fuxing Road, and hop out to pick up your coffee. When you get back, there is a four-mile tailback. A traffic cop gives you a four hundred RMB fine, which you laugh at. In response to your scorn, the cop has your car towed.(Set: $ennui to $ennui+2)] (else:)[You remember the Hummer incident, and decide not to risk going for another drive today.] (set: $car to $car+1) You had better think of [[something else to do.|The Inspiration]]

(Set: $ennui to $ennui+1) You call up your friend Alice Junk, and try to explain your general feeling of boredom and dissatisfaction with your privileged existence. However, she just wants to talk about a Korean soap opera that she just saw. You end the conversation feeling worse than before. You had better think of [[something else to do.|The Inspiration]]

(if: $party is 0)[You are invited to a party on a yacht moored on the Bund. Your friends Morbid Sue and Brick are there. Champagne flows, and the boat heaves with sweaty, dancing bodies. Conversation is unintelligible over the throbbing bass, whoops, yelps, and occasional splashes of bodies hitting the water. Everyone who's anyone in Shanghai is there - even Arlon Musty! Despite all that is going around you - or maybe because of it - your general sense of dissatisfaction with life only increases.(set: $ennui to $ennui+1)] (else:)[You check your messages, but you don't have any invites. This only increases your ennui.(set: $ennui to $ennui+1)] (set: $party to $party+1) You had better think of [[something else to do.|The Inspiration]]

(if: $park is 0)[Birds flitter and chirrup in the leaf-dappled mid-afternoon sun. The park is an oasis of calm - you feel a spark of inspiration.(set: $ennui to $ennui-1)] (elseif: $park is 1)[It's good to know you can always head to the park when you need to relax. Well...almost always. A badass-looking gang of squaredancing grannies, all with bouffant red hair, forearms like Popeye and magic-marker eyebrows etched into menacing frowns, are setting up a huge stack of amps. You sense that the park is about to become much less peaceful.(set: $ennui to $ennui -1)] (else:)[You remember the dancing grandmas, and decide that the park is probably not a peaceful place to be right now.] (Set: $park to $park+1) (if: $ennui is not 0) [You had better think of [[something else to do.|The Inspiration]]] (else:)[[[You are inspired!|The Idea]]]

(if: $lecture is 0)[You attend a free lecture on the unexpected links between Zen Buddhism and cheesemaking. Somehow, the scholarly atmosphere in the lecture hall shaves the edge off your ennui, and a medium-sized spark of inspiration flutters down from the heavens.(set: $ennui to $ennui-2)] (elseif: $lecture is 1)[You liked the intellectual vibe of the last lecture you went to, so you decide to go to another one! This talk is about the unexpected connection between quantum physics, artificial intelligence, and the question of whether a gorilla could beat a bear in a fight. It's illuminating, but your relatively small brain is quite exhausted by the end of it.(set:$ennui to $ennui-1)] (else:)[There are no more lectures on today. You'll have to find another stimulating activity] (set: $lecture to $lecture+1) (if: $ennui is not 0) [You had better think of [[something else to do.|The Inspiration]]] (else:)[[[You are inspired!|The Idea]]]

(if: $classical is 0)[Somehow, the idea of doing something you've never done before pops into your head. You attend a concert of music by someone called Mahler, who is probably dead. You're not sure if you like it or not, but somehow, being in the refined atmosphere of the concert hall creates a mild sense of awe, which whittles away a little at the ennui that has been eating you. (set: $ennui to $ennui-2)] (elseif: $classical is 1)[You are becoming a bit of a classical music buff. You decide to take your friend Brick this time. Apparently the composer is one of the most famous ones in history. You aren't sure of his name, but at least you know that he was Australian and wore a wig. Brick doesn't enjoy it though, because there was no popcorn and the actors didn't speak.(set:$ennui to $ennui-1)] (else:)[Disaster! The concert hall is closed.] (set: $classical to $classical+1) (if: $ennui is not 0)[You had better think of [[something else to do.|The Inspiration]]] (else:)[[[You are inspired!|The Idea]]]

(if: $restaurant is 0)[You invite four of your good friends - Shrieker, Brick, Morbid Sue, and Alice Junk - to a newly opened restaurant. The food is a fusion of medieval British and modern Shanghainese cuisine, and your Wechat moments soon abound with pictures of extravagant dishes such as //Gong Bao Roast Boar// and //Four and Twenty Hong Shao Larks Baked in a Pie//. Despite the fabulous cuisine, the whole experience leaves you feeling rather empty.(Set: $ennui to $ennui+1)] (elseif: $restaurant is 1)[You are already feeling rather full, but there's always room for ice cream! You invite Alice Junk to Flipper's Gelato on the Bund. It's the second most expensive ice-cream in the world, because it's made with pure dolphin milk. You order a tub of matcha and a tub of pistachio, but it's rather disappointing as they both taste of fish. (Set: $ennui to $ennui+1)] (else:)[You are beginning to feel some indigestion - better not eat anything else for now.] (set: $restaurant to $restaurant+1) You had better think of [[something else to do.|The Inspiration]]

You fall into a mindless rabbit-hole of Wechat moments, people dancing on Tik-Tok, and lists of top ten things, including lists of top ten lists. Several hours later, you realise you have almost no awareness of what you've been looking at for quite some time. This feels you with a strong feeling of existential dread - where is your life going? (Set: $ennui to $ennui+3) You had better think of [[something else to do.|The Inspiration]]

You wander around a shopping mall, somewhere on Huaihai Road. You browse the logo-emblazoned sweaters, overpriced sneakers and mortgageable designer jackets, but somehow, nothing suits and you find the whole experience a little depressing. (Set: $ennui to $ennui+1) You had better think of [[something else to do.|The Inspiration]]

(if: $book is 0)[You don't have any books, but you call up your friend Shrieker. He drops off a copy of a text he recommends. It's a 'philosophical adventure story' called //The Arsonist// by a Venezuelan writer (and bongo player) called Pablo Coolio. You find it strange, but somehow very inspiring.(Set: $ennui to $ennui-2)] (elseif: $book is 1)[You are strangely fascinated by these objects called //books//. You wonder if your friend Morbid Sue might have one, so you call her up and she sends one over by courier. It's called //The Insider// by a Tunisian author (and fast bowler for the Tunisian national cricket team) called Albert Camel. You find it interesting, although perhaps not quite as inspiring as //The Arsonist//.(Set: $ennui to $ennui-2)] (elseif: $book is 2)[You really have the reading bug now. You phone your friend Alice Junk, and she takes a Didi round to your place to lend you a copy of //How to Clutter up your Life// by an English author (and elite mixed-martial artist) called Mary Cuckoo. It's about how to get more things into cupboards. It's OK, but not quite as good as //The Arsonist// or //The Insider//.(Set: $ennui to $ennui-1)] (elseif: $book is 3)[You can't get enough of books! They're amazing. You Wechat your buddy Brick. He sends you the instruction manual for a washing machine - it's all the reading material he has. It doesn't say who the author is, and you do not find it inspiring, so you decide you've read enough for today. ] (else:)[In your voracious hunt for literature, you message all your friends. Unfortunately, they are all busy at the moment. You don't really know how libraries and bookstores work, so you decide to leave reading alone for now.](set: $book to $book+1) (if: $ennui is > 0) [You had better think of [[something else to do.|The Inspiration]]] (else:)[[[You are inspired!|The Idea]]]

Something snaps inside your mind. You instruct one of your servants to sell everything you own and give the proceeds to a home for injured cats. You pack a flask of hot water, a camping mat and a sleeping bag into a laundry bag, and walk off into the sunset, never to be seen again - unless, somehow, you die and are (link: "reincarnated as exactly the same person.")[(reload:)]

Your doctor gave you the ennui-o-meter to help you become more aware of your levels of dissatisfaction with life. You breathe into it, and it measures the level of tedium on your breath. Green is good. Yellow is normal. Red is bad. Never, ever, let the meter get to the maximum. Get it down to zero, and something wonderful might happen. (link-goto: "Return", $lastVisited)

The ‘entrepreneur-o-meter’ was the first invention of Arlon Musty, the famous Shanghainese entrepreneur, seventh richest man on earth, and founder of [[SpaceTrash]]. The entreprenometer connects to all your social media feeds and, using [[an advanced algorithm]] gives you an accurate feedback on how successful you are as an entrepreneur. (link-goto: "Return", $lastVisited)

Musty realized that there is simply not enough space on earth to store all the trash that humanity generates, so he created his business, SpaceTrash. It aims to make all wastebins on earth rocket-propelled by 2050, so that trash is simply sent to the heart of the sun with the push of a button His rocket-bins are, as yet, still on the drawing board. However, his company is valued at over $600 billion dollars. [[Return|Entrepreneur-o-meter]]

It counts how many likes you got, and divides by 42. [[Return|Entrepreneur-o-meter]]

<div style="color: DarkBlue; text-align:center;"> (if: (history:) contains "The Idea")[(link: "Entrepreneur-o-meter")[(set: $lastVisited to (history:)'s last)(go-to: "Entrepreneur-o-meter")] (print: '<meter value="' + (text: $entrepreneur) + '" min="0" max="10" low="3" high="7" optimum="10"></meter>')] (else:)[(link: "Ennui-o-meter")[(if: $lastVisited is not "Voldemort Wang")[(set: $lastVisited to (history:)'s last)](go-to: "Ennui-o-meter")] (print: '<meter value="' + (text: $ennui) + '" min="0" max="10" low="3" high="7" optimum="0"></meter>')] </div>

Eventually, your chain of coffee shops attracts investment from the famed Shanghainese entrepreneur Arlon Musty, and with his backing, you open up branches all around the world. Soon, $coffeeName cups litter the pavements from London to Melbourne. You have won! At least, it feels like that right now... <script> audio.pause(); </script> [[Epilogue]]